here i go...

so, i have to leave at the crack of dawn tomorrow...  gotta get to Sask. for the wedding.  i'm mostly looking forward to it.  it sounds like i am going to get to see a lot of people, and actually spend some time with them, so that is good.  some of them i haven't seen in almost a year!  it will be like a mini reuinion of sorts.  a really busy one, but nonetheless...  other than that?  got a loan paid off today.  that's a nice feeling.  now if i could only get rid of my car...  oh well... 

bactracking...

so, on wednesday i leave for Sask. for yet another wedding that i have to be in.  been in a few, that's for sure.  it should be a lot of fun, but?  i am not looking forward tot he drive, that's for sure.  but?  whadda ya gonna do, ya know? it will be really good to see some of my old friends...  i haven't seen some of them in quite a while!  i am def. looking forward to that.  and the fact that i only have to work 2 days this week...  lol!  other than that, not too much going on, i guess...  cya.

back to basics...

well, i think that it is time for just that.  time to get back to basics.  i think that i have made my life more complicated than it needs to be over the last few weeks, and it is just time to take to back to what i know.  i don't know precisely what that all means, but i know that i need to let go of some stuff...  change a few things...  just be me, and let the world do what it will, i think.  how that's all going to take place, i'm not rightly sure just yet, but?  i just know that emotionally, i've taken on too much.  and its time to let go of some baggage.  so here's goodbye to all the stuff that isn't moving me forward...  

on another note...  tonight is just weird.  i am kinda out of sorts.  i am really antsy to get out of town, although i am not sure why.  i feel like i just need to get away from it all...  i need a vacation from my life, i think.  :)  anyhow...  i guess i don't have anything more important to say.  g'night all. 

drowning?

tonight i stood barefoot on the sidewalk in front of my house and let the warm summer rain wash over me.  it felt, if only for a second, as if all my cares had been rinsed away, and i had nothing to think about but how long i wanted to stand in the rain.  if only that feeling could last.  growing up is fun sometimes, but more often painful.  lessons must be learned, hearts must be broken, life must be lived.  sometimes i get so tired of living my life that it just about kills me.  and yet, i can never seem to be one of those people who just coasts through life.  in just about every aspect of my life, i have to be involved.  i am never content to just let life occur all around me, i must always engage in it to some extent.  and then i feel that its all to much, and i just want to throw my hands up and run away from it all...  but always, i come back, because i find that watching my life go by isn't a very fun way to go about it.  while it does seem to somewhat lessen the chances of existing in this world, it holds no meaning.  and i never seem to be content to do anything that doesn't have a meaning.  sometimes i wish i could, but not really.  deep down inside, i'm glad that i can't.  i just which sometimes i could take the easy way out.  pure selfishness, and i'm not afraid to admit it.  especially lately.  God seems to be pushing me over and over to the point where i think i am going to just break down, and then somehow i find the strength to endure, or he relents and gives me a chance to breathe.  and, to be perfectly honest, i'm kinda tired of it.  i don't know what point of a lot, or most, of it is...  but?  i continue to press on...  sometimes lately it seems to be a dare of sorts, almost.  "are you going to believe the things that i have told you, or are you going to succumb to your own doubts?"  not said in a taunting way, but more as a challenge.  and so i have fought with myself countless times in the last weeks, the last week especially, as to what i am going to choose to believe.  and always, if only by a thread sometimes, i choose to believe the Living God.  i don't understand, but i believe.  and i know that the will of God is never thwarted.  never.  so?  that is what has been on my mind tonight, i guess.  this is the struggle i've been in for the last while, and i have to say it's taking a toll on me.  but, i know where my strength comes from, and i will seek it there.  g'night all...

catching my breath...

so, life has slowed down a little, if only for the moment. starting tomorrow, i'll be working extra hours again (am i retarded??) and then as soon as i finish that project, i have to leave to go to a wedding. in Canada. i'm nuts. but, such is life, i suppose. if i didn't need the money as badly as i do, i prolly wouldn't take on this other job, but? can't sneeze at the prospect of making a grand, ya know? and then, maybe, finally, i might be able to take a breather. maybe. hopefully? i dunno. how is july half over already? where has my summer gone? and a better question, what have i done with it? NOTHING. and everything. but nothing that summers are supposed to be for, ya know? no camping, fishing, hiking, etc. none whatsoever. maybe i'm just a bum, i don't know... but, time to run, mostly b/c i have nothing more to say, so?

breathing

i need to find time to do just that. lately my life has been so hectic... its just crazy! i think i am looking forward to it slowing down a little; although it doesn't show any signs of doing that in the forseeable future. in other news... got my truck back today, after 3 1/2 months in the shop. good grief. but, it is nice to finally have it back, which means i can finally sell my car. one less thing to have to pay for every month. and on the girl front... things are.... interesting. i could say a lot more, but i don't really feel like it at the moment. and b/c i should be getting ready to go to a rodeo. so? other than that, there isn't too much going on. thank goodness it is finally the weekend, that's what i have to say! although, i am working tomorrrow, at least for a little while. not too long, though. then i might actually have the rest of the day to myself, which would be quite the change. it has been a crazy month or so... and the rest of this one promises to be just as crazy. now i am pretty much just saing the same things over again, so i guess i am done for the time being.

p.s.

i have to say that i really like the new blogger...

moving forward?

hmm... so, i am seriously condsidering asking the girl out. just doing it. time to get off my @$$ and just get it done, stop being such a sissy. don't know what she will say, but i know i need to do it; give her the chance to respond. so? might even try and do it tonight, but we'll see... wish me luck...!

back to blogging?

a friend of mine, my blogging mentor actually, has decided that she is going back to blogging. after a short stint at another, much more complicated, hosting site, she decided to come back. so, i thought that maybe i would check and see what had changed since i left. i have become rather unispired with my current site, and i've found that blogger seems to have a lot more going for it than it used to, including way cooler templates, lol. so? mybae i will have to come back to blogging, too. we shall see.