drowning?

tonight i stood barefoot on the sidewalk in front of my house and let the warm summer rain wash over me.  it felt, if only for a second, as if all my cares had been rinsed away, and i had nothing to think about but how long i wanted to stand in the rain.  if only that feeling could last.  growing up is fun sometimes, but more often painful.  lessons must be learned, hearts must be broken, life must be lived.  sometimes i get so tired of living my life that it just about kills me.  and yet, i can never seem to be one of those people who just coasts through life.  in just about every aspect of my life, i have to be involved.  i am never content to just let life occur all around me, i must always engage in it to some extent.  and then i feel that its all to much, and i just want to throw my hands up and run away from it all...  but always, i come back, because i find that watching my life go by isn't a very fun way to go about it.  while it does seem to somewhat lessen the chances of existing in this world, it holds no meaning.  and i never seem to be content to do anything that doesn't have a meaning.  sometimes i wish i could, but not really.  deep down inside, i'm glad that i can't.  i just which sometimes i could take the easy way out.  pure selfishness, and i'm not afraid to admit it.  especially lately.  God seems to be pushing me over and over to the point where i think i am going to just break down, and then somehow i find the strength to endure, or he relents and gives me a chance to breathe.  and, to be perfectly honest, i'm kinda tired of it.  i don't know what point of a lot, or most, of it is...  but?  i continue to press on...  sometimes lately it seems to be a dare of sorts, almost.  "are you going to believe the things that i have told you, or are you going to succumb to your own doubts?"  not said in a taunting way, but more as a challenge.  and so i have fought with myself countless times in the last weeks, the last week especially, as to what i am going to choose to believe.  and always, if only by a thread sometimes, i choose to believe the Living God.  i don't understand, but i believe.  and i know that the will of God is never thwarted.  never.  so?  that is what has been on my mind tonight, i guess.  this is the struggle i've been in for the last while, and i have to say it's taking a toll on me.  but, i know where my strength comes from, and i will seek it there.  g'night all...